I pray you don’t feel alone. But if you do, I have been there. Do you get that feeling in your heart that something is missing? I tried filling that void with everything, but what I needed. Here’s my story of how I used to feel alone and how HE filled that void.   

There are many reasons why someone may feel alone: history of trauma, poor parental attachment, fear of vulnerability, perfectionism… the list goes on and on.

Feeling alone was something I became all too familiar with. Not because I wanted to, but because after I got hurt, I put up walls to protect myself from ever feeling like that again. So, I made it a point to not let anyone in.

How it All Started

The first friendship I had when I was a kid was with a girl name Lauren. That friendship ended badly. She became “too cool” for me and told me she didn’t want to be my friend anymore. As a kid that rocked my world.

That’s the mental torment started. That friendship gave me the idea people didn’t want to be friends with me and if they were, they would stop when someone better came along. So I didn’t allow anyone to get close to me. I gave them the cold shoulder to keep them out so they wouldn’t hurt me.

After a While

I became so numb to people I stopped being empathetic, loving, kind, generous – everything I used to be. I let go of who I was and decided to mold myself into someone who wouldn’t get hurt again.

Until I Did

My first boyfriend didn’t emotionally hurt me, so that gave me the idea that guys wouldn’t hurt me. Then I started dating other men and it happened. I found myself in a situation where I was getting hurt again.

That’s When I Really Started to Change

Talk about a version of myself I didn’t even know. I became so numb to people it led me to becoming self-centered. I learned to get what I want and not care about the rest.

Thinking back, I can’t believe the person I became. A person I never thought I would be.

And all along I felt so alone.

Heartbreak after heartbreak, hurt after hurt, it didn’t feel like the end was in sight, but God!

It started I moved to college

When I was 15 years old, my grandmother passed away. That woman was a strong woman of faith. She took care of her children while her husband (my beloved grandpa) traveled all over Europe planting churches and preaching the gospel.

During her memorial service, I was talking with my third cousin who is an alumnus of Oral Roberts University. While we were talking, he began telling me how ORU is a wonderful Christian college with a strong business program. As he was talking about it, I knew that’s where I needed to go. That was the first time I experienced His peace and learned what a “knowing” feels like.

After high school, I moved to Oklahoma to attend ORU. That’s when I started to change. I felt a shift inside my heart, but my flesh didn’t like that change so it resisted. Fast forward five years, and I found God for myself. Not through my parents or friends, but through a real relationship with my Creator.

I learned He’s loving. He wants a relationship with me. And when He’s near, I never feel alone.

But There Was Something Missing

He was able to fill that void. For years I wanted to feel peace, love, and joy. And for years I looked for those things everywhere but in Him. It wasn’t until I let Him in that He healed me.

He’s a perfect gentleman. If you don’t want Him, He won’t force His way in. But He also won’t give up on you. He will continue pursuing you.

I’m a testimony of that.

How Did I Find Him?

It didn’t take much. It didn’t take long. When I took one step toward Him, I found Him waiting with arms wide open. I felt His love and I got addicted. His peace is like nothing else in this world. And His presence… that’s something I long for every day.

He filled that void in my heart. The feeling that I was alone.

Feeling alone was a lie from the enemy. Hebrews 13:5  He tells us “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” The truth is I was never alone. But without knowing this truth, the enemy was able to convince me that I was.

After All The Pain

There was a lot of healing I needed to go through. Layers upon layers, years upon years of hurt and broken emotions. Every time I thought I was healed, and it was finally over, I soon found there was another layer. It kept going deeper. But God.

I’m so thankful He stepped into my life when I cried out to Him. My life will never be the same because He chose to heal me. That’s why I live my life for His glory. Not because He needs me to, but I will do anything and everything I can do to express my love for Him. What He did for me I can never repay. But I can try every day to show Him my love.