Have you ever asked yourself “How did I get here?” when you’ve found your life in a position you never expected? If you’re anything like me, I have many times. Life is interesting that way. And usually, I’m not walking the race of life, the American culture makes me run. Whether it’s decisions, time, effort, energy, etc. There’s always something.
Here’s how I put it into perspective– I’m driving down a beautiful scenic road with greenery all around. When I look to the right or left, all I see are the woods. But as I continue down the road something happens and the scenery starts to change. There’s a clearing up ahead where I can see a body of water. Before I know it, I get so enveloped in the scenery with the anticipation of what I will see next, I don’t realize I am now driving along side of a mountain with the ocean in the distance. So much has changed since I first started, but I didn’t realize it because of the excitement of something new that is ahead.
I believe that’s why C.S. Lewis said, “Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.”
My Journey
My faith journey has taken me to places I never thought I would be. I challenge myself to take a step closer to Him every day desiring to experience more of His peace, His presence, His joy, His love. I get so captivated by Him each day that I don’t realize how deep my roots are growing. That’s until I’m faced with a situation that tries to steal my peace, my joy, or my patience. My response to that situation can speak volumes. It serves as a barometer of my weakness.
Let’s Talk About Weakness
What happens now? I’ve messed up. I wasn’t perfect. In the past, I would go on a rollercoaster of emotions where I would tell myself I wasn’t good enough. I should have done better. Should of, would of, could of, right? Wrong.
Since then, I have learned to remind myself that in my moment of weakness, He is my strength. “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’” 2 Corinthians 12:9. I remember that I can do all things through Him because He will strengthen me. Does that mean I always respond the best way? No, that’s impossible because I’m human. I can’t be perfect. I can strive to be perfect as Christ was and is perfect, but I will never achieve perfection until the day I go home. If I was perfect, I wouldn’t have needed Jesus Christ to come, die and raise on the third day – for me.
It’s Not a Cake Walk
No one said it would be easy, but it is worth it. I know it’s worth it because He is worth it.
There have been times when I wanted to give up. I would think to myself “I can’t do this”. And it is true. Trying to do anything with my own strength, ability, intellect, etc. will lead to failure. I will not get the results I need to be able to live a life pleasing to Him. That’s because it’s not my strength.
There’s a Trigger…
I was taught at a young age to “never rely on a man for what you can’t do for yourself.” The heart behind that statement was good, but it caused me to trust in myself, my abilities, my intellect… me.. me… me.
There was no room for God in that statement. The truth is I never really learned to fully trust God at a young age. There were some aspects that I did trust. I trusted His word that Jesus died on the cross for my sins and that I would go to heaven… but I put a box around that statement.
Add another layer of people hurting me throughout the years… it was a recipe for distrust on every side.
How Did I Overcome This?
I wish I could say “Learning to trust God was easy”, but I would be lying. It was very challenging to overcome barriers in my mind and to let Him in. Which doesn’t make sense. Why would I keep the One who loves me more than anything on the outside? He’s the one that knows me better than I know myself. Yet I chose to push Him away. What was I afraid of?
One day I was thinking about that and put it like this… Imagine loving someone with your all – everything you got. And their response is “I don’t trust you”. Wow…That would deeply hurt me. I’m not sure it would be easy to continue loving that person. But He still does.
I can’t tell you how many times I prayed Ephesians 3:16-20 over my friends, my family, and myself. That passage says “I pray that out of his glorious riches, he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”
And that’s when it started. After a few weeks of praying this prayer, I started to see God’s love in a new way. A way that brought me to tears, and sometimes to my knees. What I lacked was understanding His love would never cause me harm; it would never hurt me.
Even though I went through some terrible experiences growing up, He wasn’t the cause. But He was always the solution.